Marriage seems to mean something different to everyone. That's probably why I am certain I am the happiest married person I know, although I assume some lucky people would disagree. I'm so in love with my marriage. No relationship I have ever seen or experienced prepared me for what this would be like, so it has all felt new, occasionally overwhelming, and absolutely phenomenal.
It's been one year since Karl and I sat together and co-wrote the vows we want to hold in our marriage. We wrote them assuming things will change and that some days will be harder than others. We wrote them as a foundation to launch from. These are my reflections on them after our first year. See our vows at the bottom.
Giving my energy to this marriage still feels effortless. My husband still greets me every morning when he opens his eyes with "Good morning, I love you!" and that is where I get my energy. I think it's been a narrative in my head for a long time that I don't have much energy, but this year I learned how to golf to spend more time with him. I go to the gym more now than I ever have. I want to feel good when we go on adventures, so the energy shows up when it matters. We met a Scottish couple on a train in Norway who'd taken up golf together heading into retirement, just to have something shared to do; it made me proud that we're building that now, not waiting for later. We do not keep score of who does or gives more, but we do check in on how we are feeling about the load each of us is carrying.
Working toward our shared best interest and long-term goals comes naturally when it means spending quality time together, but is harder if it separates us. I am impulsive and struggle with delayed gratification. I want to spend all my time hanging out with my boy… and I want him to spend all his time with me. Unfortunately, that is not a great way to maintain friendships or pay the bills, both of which we appreciate. Remembering that we do have to prioritise other things in order to set ourselves up for success is not my strong suit. I'm managing though, and this is made easier by having some very exciting shared goals on the horizon.
Keeping him and us as my long-term priority is only tough when it requires us to challenge each other. Not often, but once in a while one of us can see the future gain of something that the other can't. Not because either of us lacks awareness, but because our childhood experiences have sometimes created barriers that are difficult to see beyond. Learning to trust that we can help each other see past those barriers with patience and time has been one of our biggest lessons. Many, many days walking around Virginia Waters talking over what our life could look like gave us a good baseline to work from.
Seeing his needs as my own while remembering to voice my needs with honesty and trusting that he will do the same is a big ask of us both. My life has involved a lot of taking care of other people, but sometimes that has come with holding resentment over it. I've tried to voice my feelings honestly, but that has occasionally fallen on deaf ears, which has also led to deep resentment. I have never felt safer to try and fail at both than I do in this relationship. I have never felt more celebrated for succeeding. When I have failed to see Karl's needs and acted only in my own interest, he has been nothing but gracious and loving while I try to learn for next time. By the same token, if Karl fails to see my needs, I know in my heart that it wasn't malicious. He made a mistake and will actively try to do things differently next time. Building safety for each other is challenging, but thankfully we are both talkative people and there's nothing we love more than talking it through. At the root of our process is the true knowledge that we want to love and care for each other to the best of our ability.
Protecting our relationship and each other has been amazing. It has also been painful. Our relationship doesn't look like what our families are familiar with. It doesn't look like anything we've seen before, so learning how to protect it is something we must do for ourselves. When we wrote this vow, I was still struggling with jealousy and was focused on protecting our relationship from the outside world. Since then, we have spent far more time supporting each other when our families hurt us than anyone trying to steal my husband. I'm grateful for the growth I've had in understanding this vow. We are each other's family. It's very rewarding to look back at how far we have come and laugh at where we took missteps.
Seeking out joy and fulfilment comes naturally to us. Someone pushed me on whether we would be happy without all the privileges my parents kindly give us. The answer is an easy yes. We have the best time sitting in our little studio apartment chatting or playing board games. Our relationship is built on going for walks, rain or shine, and talking. I have beautiful memories that were only made possible because my parents are generous people, but I have the most jaw-dropping marriage because my husband likes to talk to me. My joy and fulfilment come from being with him and building a life with him, not the stuff around us.
Honestly, we haven't really had to contend with loving and supporting each other through illness yet. We have, however, handled varying degrees of stress and residual trauma. Those moments are areas of huge growth for us. We have come so far in understanding what is needed. Early in our relationship, Karl being stressed was a huge trigger for me that sent me into panicking that he would become a stress addict. This didn't lead to supportive, helpful responses to him struggling. On the other hand, him being hurt sent me into a blind rage, "how could anyone dream of hurting the loveliest human?!" Neither of us needs the other person to fight our battles for us. We usually need support, comfort, and space. Not physical space, obviously, but mental space to process whatever it is. For Karl, he needs head scratches, foot rubs, and for me to ask how he's doing less. For me, I will need a cry at some point and a cuddle, and having dinner made for me or the apartment cleaned takes a huge weight off my brain. More than anything, it is about knowing our person has us.
Staying curious about each other comes naturally, but recently we've stumbled onto a couple of topics where we realized we didn't share the same vocabulary. This led to longer discussions that we didn't know we needed to have in order to build common understanding. It was a nice reminder that we don't actually have the same brain and have to remain open to hearing instead of assuming we already know the answer. Finding those new areas to sort out feels invigorating to me. I love learning something new about him and us, even if it's a little scary to find out we aren't yet on the same page. This even came up around what "equals" means to each of us; we thought we shared the same definition, but our dramatically different life experiences hadn't led us to the same conclusion. It didn't take long to find common ground, but it definitely sparked some defensiveness at first.
Holding these vows in our hearts, fully and in the spirit they were intended, without taking them for granted, feels like a beautiful mission. It is also the greatest joy of my life. Trying to weaponize any part of these vows or take them out of context isn't in our best interest. The only surprising part of this sentiment is the way these vows continue to evolve and inform our direction in a practical way. We reference them often but could still do it more. I love that we use them as a tool to move forward together.
I have given my words and actions more consideration in the last four years than perhaps the rest of my life combined, and I am still trying to do better. I think that is the point. With any luck, our life will look very different this time next year.
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