Boys Boys Boys

As far as mental illness goes; this is a bit of a side-note but still something I deem terribly relevant for my generation.

In the last 6 years I have had around 11 relationship-esque ‘things’. I started dating much younger and in a more serious manner then my peers at the time so, since then I have been asked, “how do you get so many guys?” (this is surprising given that I went to an all girls middle/high school) “Why do you date so much?” and the ever popular “How do you get so many NICE guys?” so I thought I would write a bit about the truth.

Addressing the first question, it helps that I’ve always been involved in church/youth group type events. To fully answer this problem though, I must first explain a little about myself particularly in the early stages of my dating career. I started dating at barely 13 years old, an already insecure time in a girl’s life where she is supposed to begin developing a sense of self. My first boyfriend lasted me a year and in that time all I had to rely on to feel pretty or worth something was him telling me so. I never solely developed confidence in myself (this was the premise for the majority of my later relationships too). Then, that relationship ended but just as it did there was another guy to pick me up and tell me I’m valuable and sexy, and this pattern continued endlessly for 3 more years…and when I say endlessly I mean there was no visible gap whatsoever between relationships. Going back to the question of how I got all these guys, I basically moved from guy to guy and church to church until I met one of those guys’ best friends and then began dating him. That was the only non-youth group/church related guy I have ever dated and was a total fluke; he needed someone to love and to be loved and I needed the same. I later went to my Christian camp and met three guys that would then fill my next year. None of this is something I’m proud of; I’m simply trying to answer the question. I suppose the short answer is that everyone wants to feel loved and I am an extremely mothering/nurturing person to those I’m close with so I draw guys, particularly those who are broken and need love, to me.

Why do I date so much? In essence because I’m insecure. I still feel that 13 year olds need to be told how much I’m worth. I was almost always looking for another person to ‘save’ me when I thought a relationship was ending so that I wouldn’t have to feel the sting of losing someone. The number of guys who have told me they want to marry me because they love me so much and I responded eagerly to…is ridiculous. I have spent the last year really trying to gain confidence in myself and own who I am but I will admit…it’s bloody hard to do.

Now for my personal favourite, how do I meet such nice guys? Frankly, I’ve lied a lot over the year to my family, friends and peers about how nice any given guy is to me or how well he treats me. I love making myself and others feel like I’m in the best relationship ever; in honesty though I’ve been as Sara Bareilles put it in her song Brave, “the backlash of somebody’s lack of love,” a lot. I only began to date nicer and nicer guys who treated me with more respect as I began to respect and fight for myself, not until then. To clarify what I mean by “fighting for myself,” I just mean when I hit a point where I realized I was worth happiness and began to act in order for me to find that. Now I am with a guy who didn’t just fall in my lap wanting love, he actually made me work for a relationship and gave me the chance to discern whether I truly wanted just anyone or him specifically. I can confidently say he is the best guy (for me) that I have ever had the pleasure of dating.

From the other perspective, think of how unfair it was to these guys that I was only with them because I needed to be needed. I feel terrible that that is what led me into all the relationships I’ve had. To my knowledge, I have been 5 guys first love but I have only had one and that just isn’t fair but because of our low self-worth as a couple, that’s how it played out.

I was talking to a group of girls in grade 9 the other day and the general consciences was that they all want a boyfriend and this is the thinking that got my screwed over as many times as I was; that it didn’t matter who I dated as long as I was with someone. That breaks my heart to hear from girls who are so beautiful and amazing. Everyone is worth happiness and love but before you can expect someone else to make you happy or love you, you have to learn to love yourself and be willing to make yourself happy.

Yes, I know how cheesy that all sounds but I mean it.