There is no good way that I have found to end a relationship
with someone. There have been many people in my life who were wonderful as
people but weren’t stupendous for me to have around; this has caused me a lot
of problems. Before I continue further, I’d like to apologize to all of those
people whom I have hurt because I went about burning the bridge between us
poorly. No matter how hard I try (although if I’m being honest I haven’t always
tried that hard) to be nice and gentle in extracting someone from my life it
always ends in tears and few harsh Facebook messages…always.
I truly recognize that given the number of people I’ve had
to relieve from my presence; it’s not them, it’s me. I am a sensitive person. I
am a strongly willed person. I am (in general) emotionally flimsy. Sometimes I
need a lot of space and sometimes I’m really
needy. Though I think a lot of these things apply to everyone else, I realize
that not everybody else has left the wake of unhappiness that I have. Would I like
to apologize individually to every person I’ve ever hurt? Of course, but I am
still not emotionally stable, still cannot handle a lot of those people in my
life and do not want to rebuild bridges that I intentionally burned.
I have no magic potion. I really wish I did. However, what I
have noticed is that there are some magic phrases people use to try and hold on
to people who may be attempting to leave their life. As a preface, let me say I
have been on both side of the following situation so I do actually know what
I’m talking about here. “If you go, I’ll hurt myself,” “you own me,” or “how
could you be so selfish?” are regularly used phrases (among many others) that
are structured to hang on to someone. Sometimes they work, I know the “you owe
me” card has been used many times on
me.
My good friend mentioned to me yesterday that there is
nothing any of us can do to earn the love of someone else, not a thing. This is
both an incredible and occasionally painful phenomenon.
Frankly, I don’t owe those people anything because they
choose to help me. There was no pre-arranged agreement that said if they help
me then I am obligated to be there for them. I’m sure I sound awful at this
point and to paraphrase The Big Lebowski, I am not wrong; I’m just a jerk.
It is something that is assumed and counted on a lot when
there isn’t really anything there to be reliant upon. I am always appreciative
of help when I’m not doing well but there is no obligation for anyone (aside
from my family by the law) to stand by me in those times. Two of the best
friends I have entered those roles after standing by me through a hellish year.
They never once suggested that I owed them for it. That is what real friendship
looks like to me. I have both been helped and helped people in my life that
were only there for the moment; the moment passed and our lives diverged. Occasionally
it was that person needing to remove me from their life or vice versa but in
either scenario (though both hurt) life went on.
My generation (or maybe just the people I talk to) seems to
have a fascination with needing
someone, not being able to live without that one person. My classmates from middle school can certainly report
on a boy or two that I was convinced I could not live without and must
therefore marry. I was serious; I honestly didn’t think my life could continue
without that boy. The thing is that despite the inevitable grade 9 break-up; I
lived! I then proceeded to repeat this process at least 10 more times. Some of
those people even continue to read this blog, to which I am honoured because
they will always have a place in my heart…just not necessarily in my life.
So that person whom you gave your heart and soul to is gone,
for whatever reason, now what? How will you ever be happy again? As I’ve mentioned
in past posts, it’s not reliable to wait around on someone else to make you
happy; you must go out and fight for yourself. That does NOT mean that you
should fight with whomever you feel caused you harm. I’m more referring to
deciding that you are worth happiness and so are able to move on with your life
without them and be happy again.
Everyone deserves to be happy but it isn’t anyone else’s
responsibility to make you happy; that falls to you. If there is someone in
your life who isn’t being helpful to that endeavour and is bringing you down,
maybe it’s time to go your own way.