Just Ask

Here’s to those not afraid to ask questions!!

Most adults or peers that I’ve spoken to about my life and struggles respond with the conventional, “I’m sorry. I’m here if you need anything,” but I know that if I were to go to them and say, “hey I feel like hurting myself, can we talk?” they would be completely out of their depth. Very few ask further questions like: why do you do that? Does it help? How does your family feel about it? How does it make you feel afterwards? People are so politically correct and sensitive to offending anyone that questions are dangerous; not only might you offend someone but you may also get an answer you don’t like.

In fact the only people to ever ask me those further questions were a bunch of 11-year-old girls who were my charges for a week. These girls saw the scars on my arm and I saw that for the first couple days of getting to know me they were afraid to get caught looking at them or anything like that but then one day we had “question time” and one girl asked what they were. I was very hesitant to explain because of their age and my role as their leader so I tried to clarify with them as to if they were sure they wanted to talk about it. These girls were very bright and not so unaware as to not recognize that they were from self-harm but were very curious as to the effects on me emotionally and how my family and friends felt about it. Their questions caught me totally off guard and severely impressed me, largely because they knew they were crossing into something personal but wanted to understand.

I’ve written a fair bit about how people who don’t self-harm have a hard time understanding it. This is very true for most aspects of life but how is anyone supposed to learn if there are never any questions asked?

Personally, I am never offended by questions about my life or experiences. I would MUCH rather people ask about them and gain understanding on it than make a snap judgment about me without any real knowledge of it. For example, once when a group of girls were going on about how depressed I am all the time, someone said, “you know when you kill yourself you should slice the back of your thigh; I heard it bleeds out faster than anywhere else.” This girl assumed that because I was showing symptoms of depression that I was suicidal when at the time, I actually wasn’t (though that comment wasn’t particularly helpful in avoiding those thoughts). Neither she nor anyone else bothered to ask about my feelings or opinions on it all even though it was my life that was up for discussion.

Adults act similarly but due more to thoughts of what is “socially acceptable.” I know I have been at both formal and casual events with my father when his friends have noticed my arms, given me a pitiful look (as though I were doomed…a lost cause) and then proceed to say, “You look lovely,” and move on. Why has it become taboo to ask about how someone is really doing? I know that I have sat girls down at black tie events to talk about the scabs I brushed against accidentally while hugging them. I know that when conversations like this happen, it really catches people off guard:

Me: How are you?

Other: good, you?

Me: But how are you really?

I don’t want people assuming that I’m suicidal because I’m depressed or only nervous about school because I talk about my anxiety; I want them to look for a further explanation if they don’t understand! It’s frankly more tactless to give condescending looks (intended or otherwise) then to just ask what’s really going on with someone.

In actuality, I can only speak for myself so please for my sake…ASK me questions, don’t just assume answers!!!