Hello
reader of this blog. I am sorry for taking you away from the insightful wisdom
of the wonderful person whose words you normally see filling this page to offer
my contribution. After reading Riley's blog I spoke with her and she asked me
if I had any ideas for a post. I suggested something on sexuality and now here
I am, bisexual, and writing this.
Wait,
bisexuality does not exist you are homosexual or heterosexual, that's it, end
of story. Wrong. Sexuality isn't black and white there are infinite shades of
grey in the middle people can be bisexual to varying degrees. There are those
who are only attracted on an emotional level with one sex and emotionally and
sexually with the other. Or there are those who can be attracted on both levels
or just sexually to one sex or another. It's complicated. The other day one of
my friends sat down at lunch and the topic of conversation led to someone who
had posted a photo of himself kissing another guy on Facebook. The friend said
that he must be gay someone else at the table said "no shit" a third
person said "at least bi" then this friend said "bisexuality
doesn't exist". To say that the people who have spoken these words irk me
is a gross understatement. What that guy essentially said to me was that part
of what defines me as a person does not exist; that I don’t exist.
It
usually takes a long time for people who are not heterosexual to come to grips
with their sexuality. Personally the years from thirteen to just after turning
sixteen were not a great time for me filled with confusion and fear. Your
sexuality is a large part of who you are and it can be challenging doesn’t
conform to what society deems “normal.” People who have gone through this know
what I am talking about for those who have not I will try and explain.
Heterosexuality is what society calls normal, a man and a woman, but when you
do not conform to that an internal conflict builds inside you: emotions versus
what is accepted. It is hell having to deal with it because you feel like
everyone will detest you for feeling. You are sheltered inside yourself
listening to people you call your friends say: “that’s so gay” and “faggot.”
Sure they don’t mean it they were just playing around, okay but it still hurts.
Being “in the closet” is named so because people are hiding from the truth of
their feelings, they don’t want to have to tell people because they are afraid
of the reactions they will get from family, friends and loved ones. When I was
sheltered inside myself and dealing with my sexuality I was alone and didn’t
feel like I could talk to anyone about what I was going through.
When
you are dealing with your sexuality and you don’t feel like you can talk to
anyone and so you need a coping mechanism. People seem to be awful at having
good and healthy coping mechanisms. Mine were top notch in this respect:
cigarettes and alcohol. I cannot deny how great these things make you
feel...for a while. And after I stubbed the cigarette out and the rum bottle
was empty I was back to dealing with myself. Tobacco and alcohol didn’t solve
my problems and they won’t solve anyone’s. You need to look at yourself and
then be honest about who you are. And when you are ready talking to someone is
the best coping mechanism. The discussions I have had with health care professionals,
friends who have gone through the same thing and even my girlfriend have been
great. Girls are better about this but we guys? Guys are…well; we are awful at
talking about our feelings. However, talking to someone is the best thing you
can do. I wholeheartedly believe that if it weren't for the conversations I
have had with people I would still be smoking everyday and binge drinking every
weekend. Choose your coping mechanisms wisely, they can help or hinder you in
your struggles.
Coming
out. Depending on the person it can vary in experience. Some constants are:
being scared, not knowing what to say and feeling better afterwards. You feel
better afterwards because what you have been keeping pent up inside you has now
been shared with someone that you trust. It’s scary the first time you come out
and a little less every time that you come out to a new person. You will likely
express yourself badly. It happens, I yelled “I’m bi” one time because I was
nervous and not sure how to say it and then...well I yelled it. Reactions will
also vary I’ve had two extremes: “That’s cool :)” and “What? (uncontrollable
crying)”. The first was from a friend of mine who is gay the second from my
girlfriend. People are going to react differently when you tell them but the
two most important things are that they still accept you and how you feel about
telling them. And if the person you have told can no longer accept you because
you are not heterosexual then they are not someone worth keeping in your life.
Your sexuality is part of you not who you are
same way that Riley is not “that depressed girl” and I am not “that bi guy”
these are parts of what make us who we are but they are not solely the
definition of who we are. Stay strong, there are people there for you if you
are going through what I went through and it does get better.