The Let Down

It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who struggles with a mild to severe mental illness. It’s heartbreaking to have a child who’s in mental or physical pain. Being the one with the mental illness is hard and being open about it is even more challenging.

When I first opened up about the crap I was enduring I all of a sudden and without realizing it had higher expectations of those people whom I told. These people were then expected to drop everything they were doing if I ever need anything. To be honest, these presumptions are still something I inflict on those around me (though in truth it’s really only myself who takes the pain of disappointment). My poor boyfriend constantly deals with bouts of random; “I need you to have time for me…right now!” fits. These moments come whenever; during exams, play rehearsal, a boys night out and no matter where he is or what he’s doing, a part of me genuinely expects him to appear momentarily at my door. Currently he is writing exams and I am writing this to avoid distracting him…but oh how great is the temptation.

Intellectually I know how completely unfair this is and I am getting better but it’s a difficult notion to ignore. I am not the only one. The thinking behind it is, “well, I’m depressed and having a moment of feeling really horrific. He’s my boyfriend so he should care enough about me to be here when I need him,” but “boyfriend” can be substituted for anything: father, mother, best friend, etc. and regardless of who, it always hurts when they aren’t/can’t be there.

Some days it simply isn’t possible to drop everything you’re doing for someone else. This doesn’t mean you don’t love and care for them but life gets in the way sometimes; both parties need to realize this in order for the relationship to remain functional. This all also ties back to the post I wrote about making yourself happy and not relying on someone else to constantly provide it for you.

This is so much easier said than done I realize, to separate that person and their schedule from you and your need so you don’t feel unloved or neglected. Given this, I propose that one needs some sort of coping mechanism; it isn’t as simple as, “I just won’t bother him,” most of the time. There needs to be something to do or work for in order to keep yourself going.

None of this is an excuse for blatant neglect though. A parent or significant other must be aware of how challenging it can be to go through these times alone and that all the blame may not reside on the other’s mental insecurities. You must look out for yourself and what is realistic for you, but when faced with someone who admits to having a mental illness the natural response is, “I’ll always be there for you” and that’s where I find a lot of the trouble lies. You won’t always be there for that person; it’s simply not possible. Both sides must be aware that this is something that people say and while they often mean it in the moment, it’s not realistic for any human to uphold.

Of course, be there when you can because you love the person and want them to be well but nobody should feel obligated to do anything. I believe the person wanting your attention would be even more hurt to know you showed up only out of guilt or feeling required to. I know some would say that if it’s an extreme case then you are obligated to show up, suicide or some other terrible thing might occur. To this I say again, be there when you can and in terms of suicide if you can’t be there then ask if you can let someone else know who might be better able to handle it. Above all, understand that if that person does kill himself or herself, it was a choice they made. Seeing as how that person was likely an (young) adult, they were capable of making and owning their own choices…it wasn’t your fault.

The same goes for self-harm; you cannot be held responsible (by yourself or the other person) for being the direct cause of someone hurting him or her self. Chances are that if they did cause themselves harm then they are not mentally well are looking for someone to blame. I’m ashamed to say that I have threatened someone before saying something to the effect of, “fine. Don’t come see me but if anything bad happens to me it’s your fault.” In this case I just wanted to get my way and didn’t know how to achieve it so I played on that person’s guilt. I can say that when the person didn’t show up, I cried for a bit but then picked myself up and watched Aladdin…I wasn’t going to follow through and even if I did, the person’s absences would only have been an excuse for what I wanted to do anyway. Either way I wasn’t going or was going to hurt myself; the other person was only an extension of what was really going on inside of me.

Reasonable expectations all around and communication are the keys to keeping everyone sane(ish).