To The Parents

I’m learning that there are a surprising number of adults reading this blog and particularly those who have a child with a mental illness or entering the teenage years. My father refers to this as an instruction manual to (at least this teen’s) life and so offers it to other parents looking for a glimpse into their own teen or budding teen’s mind.

First of all, I am only one person but I’m sure you all recognize that by now. I can’t possibly represent the 20% of Canadian youth with a mental illness…much less all teens everywhere.

If I had to give one tip to parents that feel they are losing control of their youth (which I’m sure 98% do), it would be to let go of that illusion. Did you raise your child to be smart, observant and a thinker? Well, all the adults I know have done just that; so trust me when I say that if they want to get away with something…they will. There’s nothing you can do about it so congratulations on raising a child that is too smart!

I had a recent conversation with my guidance councillor, who was- very kindly- trying to figure out how to get me to go to class when I don’t feel up to it and decide to skip. She was asking about places to find me and in the most respectful way I could manage I said, “Miss, if I don’t want to be found then there is no way you will be able to locate me.” I said this will total conviction because in the last year of my schooling I have skipped so much (mostly to mental health issues) that I know every hiding spot in both my school and neighbourhood to insure that neither my teachers or parents are able to find me. I am smart, I am observant and I can find my way around my school undetected (it helps that I’ve been there for a decade).

After a long and painful experience with my (genuinely amazing and patient) mother, we came up with a deal; I would tell her where I was going, who I was going with and when I thought I’d return and she would tell me if she approved and if not, the concerns she had. This was probably the best deal both she and I will ever make. This now ensures that she knows where I am if something where to happen and I don’t feel the need to hide from her. She understands that if I really want to do something, I will and there’s little she could do to stop me but in formulating this deal I was able to be open with her even with stuff she didn’t like.

Also, after hearing my mom’s concerns with some situations, there are honestly times where I think, “crap…she’s right. This is stupid and I shouldn’t do it.” Shocking as it may seem, even a teen whose brain is still developing can listen and learn from their parents if given the right situation.

Clamp down on your kids and try and control everything they do? They won’t tell you anything and do whatever they want anyway (not always but a large amount of the time).

Give them complete freedom and never ask about their life? They may assume you don’t care and then you’ve got whole new problems.

One more thing, no family is above family therapy. I know there are a lot of parents who look up to mine and the three of us still ended up (not always graceful or eloquently) discussing our communication issues in a bleak office in the Youth in Crisis ward at Sunnybrook Hospital.

We fought, I cried, there were days of no conversation after our meeting. Now I don’t feel like I have to cut alone in my bedroom. It’s worth sucking up your pride and admitting to needing help.