A huge thank you to yet another contributor!! I can't express how much I love and appreciate this.
Dear Miss. Not Okay,
I read your story in Riley's blog, and I am sorry that you are chronically unhappy. You could always try to smile. Sometimes, if you put your facial muscles in the right position for a smile, it can actually lighten your mood. I wouldn't bother pasting on an insincere smile just to make yourself more approachable. If you really feel interest in, and goodwill towards, other people, that should come out one way or another. You could also try looking lonely and forlorn, which could attract some sympathy. Unfortunately you feel compelled not to reveal your true feelings.
Instead you present a "blank face" to the world. You may be very good at masking your emotions, or you might not be as good at it as you think. I often find that people can read me like a book, even when I feel that I have no expression whatsoever. In my case, I just don't want to bother people with my negative emotions, which I know will pass. You seem to spend all your time creating a false image of yourself, Miss. Perfect, the young woman who is a leader at school and upon whom everybody relies.
You may have started to retreat from the world, behind the image of Miss. Perfect, because of some bullying that you experienced in eighth grade. Strangely enough, while you were retreating, deciding that you were not okay, you shouldn't be okay, and you must never show anyone that you were not okay, these bullies were shouting to the world that they themselves were not okay. What could be less okay than acts of cruelty and malice? And how on earth could what these bullies did be under your control? Control is overrated, especially for someone like you who is trying to control everything. Perhaps it's time to cut loose your anchors, and brave the stormy seas.
But I forgot; you're not a ship, you're a rock; that sturdy constant thing that supports everyone else without needing any support itself, that cannot be weak, or disappoint or be hurt. Why do you think that your world would crumble if you showed yourself to be a little bit human? Why do you make Miss. Perfect do the things she does? Are your parents really such fragile people that they can't do what every parent ought to do; be concerned about their children? Would school life collapse without your input?
If Miss Perfect were not a great big hollow shell for you to hide yourself and your misery, being her could give you a lot of satisfaction. You could participate in school activies out of the sheer joy of learning, developing your skills and having fun, rather than as a distraction from your unhappiness. You could be a leader for the satisfaction of helping others and building your community, rather than due to the compulsion to hide your imperfection. You could have friendships in order to discover other people and share activities with them, rather than in a desperate attempt for a hidden source of emotional support.
Friends do give each other emotional support, of course, but it is limited. There was a friend who you thought cared about you, but she disappointed you. She probably did care about you, just not enough for what you expected. I think that having a confidant would be good for you, but it certainly wouldn't transform your life instantly.
Wishing you well,
Steven H
P. S. You think that you are pathetic because you can't justify how badly you feel because your actual troubles are relatively small. You aren't pathetic. You can't just wave a magic wand and become happy and content, and blaming yourself for that won't help you or anyone else. Being chronically unhappy is your main problem, and it is a big one.
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