Forgivness

How bad does someone have to hurt you for it to be unforgivable? How many times? I suppose my answer would be, as many time as you have need forgiveness from others.

Disclaimer: No, this is not going to be a “holier than thou” speech about how I’ve got it all figured out- as anyone can see by reading this blog- I clearly don’t. This is just a topic that seems to keep popping up in my life recently so, as per usual; I figured I’d write it up.

I ask forgiveness, or at least apologize for things all the time. Just never the right time. “Sorry for being such a downer,” or “sorry for being a burden,” constantly spew from me to people like my best friends and boyfriend when not one of those people need or want an apology like that from me. It’s the moments where I really hurt someone that I get defensive and self-righteous and refuse to apologize. Asking someone for forgiveness is a shot to the ego for me and as I covered in Reality Check. It is still something I’m working on but often I need people to prove I was in the wrong for me to seek repentance; the girl from Reality Check proved and very clearly called me out on my wrongdoing (I can’t call them mistakes as I knew exactly what I was doing, I was just wrong about it).

There is one thing harder than seeking forgiveness though and that is truly giving it. I’m not talking about your sister taking something or breaking something of yours and you forgiving her, I mean real moments where someone caused you pain. How many people can one say that they have purely and totally forgiven? I think my total is about 3 at this point.

To be totally honest, I also think that (at least in my case) being depressed makes me feel like I have license to be cruel sometimes; even if what I’m saying is true, I say things in the most harsh way possible. I suppose the root cause of that is that I feel like everything in my life is harsh and negative a lot of the time, so why shouldn’t everyone else’s? Even though I know very well that the vast majority of the people in my world have their own mental illness or true hardships, I think I have the right to inflict mine on them too.

Forgiveness isn’t supposed to sound passive aggressive (as mine often do) and saying you’re “over it” or “whatever” doesn’t prove anything.

I’ve always known that being mad at someone takes too much energy, I have minimal amounts as is and I can’t burn more actively disliking people. So my solution? Become indifferent; cut them out of my life all together. By doing this, even if the person who hurt me wanted to seek forgiveness- they couldn’t reach me.

I stand by what I said in Burning Bridges, sometimes you do just have to let a relationship that is unhealthy go. That having been said, allowing yourself and the other person to heal will only do good for the both of you. Perhaps having that person back in your life isn’t ideal but you can walk away from each other’s lives peacefully with closure instead of jagged broken and angry.

Forgiveness is hard. I often find that I think I’ve forgiven someone but then I’m still being passive aggressive or bringing that mistake they made up a lot in conversation. Forgiveness can’t be forced; it is something that time alone can yield. You can’t expect someone to forgive you for something that really hurt them right away; nor can anyone expect you to “get over it” over night; but holding a grudge just for the sake of it is just too energy consuming to maintain.

If someone seeks true forgiveness and is rejected, they can at least say that they did what they could to redeem the situation; by blocking someone out or holding a grudge, you are the one still suffering- not them. It’s not easy but it’s certainly not impossible.