"The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing.
Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed
by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on
a good day." –Robert De Niro
This quote was in reference to screenplay writers, true, but
still very much applies (in my humble opinion) to all serious writers. When I
heard this at the 2014 Oscars I laughed and said “thank you.” I’m not sure why
that was my initial reaction but I suppose it was because I very much related
to it. I assume that if you’ve been reading this blog semi-frequently, you can
tell that a lot of these adjectives apply to me…and I know my friends and
family will agree.
I know there are people out there with happy and genuinely
positive minds. I am not one of those people. The more I look over that quote,
the more I see myself, now don’t take this the wrong way; I am not trying to
put myself down here, I am in fact very proud of my mind and how it works. It
is a dark and horrific place at times, but hey, I can write because if it.
I think it’s ok to own those parts of yourself that maybe
aren’t happy and perky and bright. No that doesn’t mean letting yourself wallow
in depression forever but working with what you’ve got is never a bad thing.
Writing is one of the few places that I’m able to be totally
honest; in a lot of aspects of my life I spew nonsense that I think will make
other people happy. Writing is what I do to be happy. I’m not a very creative
person but writing and decorating my room are my artistic outlets; something I
think everyone needs. Somehow this is where I’m most real and honest; which is
why it’s such an honour to me when people close to me read it. If you can read
this blog and still like me, you know me. Sometimes I do soften my thoughts so
that I don’t wound those who matter to me but the sentiments are all true to
me.
Everyone needs somewhere where he or she is totally honest
and themselves. How else can we learn about ourselves if we are never totally
honest? It’s hard to be real with yourself if you’re always hiding a part of
yourself from everyone else. You’ve heard it said, “how can you expect someone
to love you when you can’t love yourself?” and I think something similar
applies to honesty, how can you be honest with yourself if you’re always false
with others?
I, like many others, have my life organized so that
different people form various areas in my life see specific parts of me but
never the whole picture. The person I appear to be at camp, school, church,
etc. are all slightly skewed by how I want to be viewed in that community. This
blog is the only place where I am all that I am and I know that there are
people from all those different places who read it. This is where I learn most
about myself.
One of the major lessons that high school has taught me is
that being and appearing to be are very different terms, especially at an all-girl
school. Oh, all the girls who appear to be friends are very different from the
girls who are actually friends. School is not a place where everyone can be
100% real and that’s ok, but there needs to be somewhere.