I Too, Need A Win

Yesterday I said, at the end of the post that I have learned to coexists with depression and that I’m “friends with the voices inside of my head,” and while I like to believe that’s true…it’s not something I’ve exactly mastered yet. I’m angry as anything. I hate depression and at the moment it feels like it’s simultaneously suffocating and smothering me. The last could weeks have been a total pity-party on my part and I’m honestly not sure I’m even done with that yet.

People keep telling me to take care of myself but what does that mean? When someone asks me how I’m doing my go-to answer is, “I’m alive/breathing/functional/here,” and while ¾ are true and indisputable; functionality is not. I’m making it to about one class a day (which isn’t awful given that I only have two or three a day regardless but still not ideal). I am pulling away from anyone who isn’t actively fighting to keep around and talking to them. I haven’t even been capable of making myself tea lately because by the time I get home I crash and (literally) can’t get up.

None of the things that typically make me feel better are working or I don’t have the energy to muster them. I know the things that allow me to “take care of myself” but they all seem somewhat unattainable. I have such amazing people in my life, people are willing to come over and make me tea or bring me flowers or help clean my room in order to help me feel even a touch better. Nothing is working. I’m actually beginning to frustrate and anger people because I’m so down on life and myself lately and reject any and every compliment. I actually don’t know how anyone is capable of being in my presence at all.

All I really want to do is rehearse for a play I'm in and hide out in my room with cop shows while trying to locate the energy required for tea.

So what am I going to do? I need a plan. Frankly, I too need a win. I have every motivational quote, I can give the best advice possible and watch the views on this blog sore; but when all is said and done, I need to get off my butt and save myself. Nobody. Nothing else can do it for me.