Have I Earned Depression?

What does it take for one to "earn" depression? An abusive relationship? A broken home? A financial struggle?

The truth is that it doesn't "take" anything to earn depression, or any mental illness. I grew up in a happy home, with easy financials and a great education, I have been very lucky; but I do have depression nonetheless.

I have wished that I'd have some tragic story to tell people when they ask about why I'm depressed. Yes, that is crazy but don't we all want to explain away our problems? Everybody knows that there's someone out there worse off than them so they feel as though they doesn't have the right to be hurting. Depression doesn't discriminate; rich or poor, black or white, male or female, old or young. Anyone could be depressed. There is no quota of unfortunate events that you have to meet until you can have depression guilt-free. Even though I have this knowledge I still frequently feel like I have to apologize for being depressed or anxious. Countless people have asked me the classic, "What do you have to be depressed about? You are so lucky, privileged and loved!" Nothing, I have nothing to be depressed about at all, sorry.

Therapists have tried to explain to me that I have nobody to apologize to for how I feel. Even this week, for example, I had to get a form filled out for university explaining my mental illness and on this form my psychiatrist spelled out for my university that I have a permanent condition of severe depression and anxiety. I still feel as though I am being a princess, asking to just have my personal information on file, even if I don't use the special accommodations the psychiatrist recommended for me. It is a constant struggle to work out in my own mind.

The truth is that the only person that you need to justify your feelings to is yourself, even then it's not so much justification it is acceptance. It's really frustrating to feel down and have this constant feeling of despair when everything around you seems to be going right, when there's no cause for upset. This only becomes worse when people do point to the age-old "there is someone who has it worse," and while I do agree with the statement itself, not it's use to disregard other's feelings. 

Pain is pain. Sure, there are varying degrees but those are relevant to the person experiencing them, it's not something an on-looker can dictate. Nobody should be made to feel invalid because of their emotions. I've known people to shut down their feelings entirely because (for whatever reason) they believe that they aren't allowed/supposed to feel their feelings. There's only one way I've ever witnessed this situation ending, a full-fledge breakdown. It's easier to clean up a mess as it occurs then to wait till it's become too large to handle in a rational way. When the irrational spill over of that mess takes over it can consist of intense weeping, self-harm or even suicide. 

You are who you are and maybe that includes a struggle with depression or anorexia or whatever else but that doesn't make it your fault. Depression is part of who I am, whether it's permanent or not, it plays a role in who I am today so, the only remaining decision I have to make is, what am I going to do today to cope and live my life? Depression is part of my life, so is university and my three younger siblings, sorry not sorry.