Cutting it Loose

Written August 13, 2014:

Everybody’s got a secret Sonny

Something that they just can’t face

Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it

They carry it with them every step that they take

Till some day they just cut it loose

Cut it loose or let it drag ‘em down

“Darkness on the Edge of Town” by Bruce Springsteen

When Riley wrote Once They Know I asked her how much of it was about me. How much of a post about letting go and no longer keeping depression a secret was about the person who has been writing for her this summer under an anonymous name to have a voice, but to never have to reveal himself? She told me that none of it was directed at me, but that if I saw myself in the post then maybe I should give it some thought.

This past week, I told lifelong friends about my struggles. I’ve told people before, some close friends, my parents and sisters, my school social worker and my therapist. But this was different. This mixture of friends and extended family are the only people I can say with absolute certainty will be in my life forever. I told these friends more than I’ve told anyone (except the friends who know I write here) I told them enough that they were scared. They went to my parents and told them information that in turn scared them, and I managed to make it through the ordeal. I reassured my family that my thoughts are nothing more than that, just thoughts. That I love them too much to ever hurt them or myself in that way.

I no longer want to deal with carrying this secret with me. I don’t want to hide who I am. I don’t want to feel the need to lower my voice when I talk about my problems, or only be able to tell people when I’m drunk or when I’m forced to because it’s obvious I am not ok. As someone who is about to head off to university, I also then ask myself, what is my roommate going to think if I publicize my problems on Facebook? They don’t want to be stuck with “the depressed kid.” I have to live with that person for a year and I don’t want ruin it before I even meet him face-to-face. Not to mention future classmates who may turn their backs. I know I shouldn’t care about that, and that the people who are decent will stick around, but the fear is still real.

So which matters more to me? Should I cut my secret loose before it drags me down, or carry it with me every step that I take out of fear for how others may react? Choosing either one is difficult beyond what words can describe, and only one option allows me to change my mind. I think I already know which one I should do have to do, but before I do, let me clarify something: I haven’t been diagnosed with depression. To say I have is a lie, and I don’t want to lie any longer. The simplest reason is that my therapist doesn’t believe in labels unless they help, so instead I “display multiple symptoms of major depressive order.” So, with that in mind, my name is Jack Schwartz, and I am Mr. Not Ok.

Written Today:

It’s been a month since I wrote this piece, and only now have I worked up the courage to send it to Riley. I’m still worried about how people will react to this, specifically my family and my friends here at school. It still feels like a touchy subject with my family, and that is something I am incredibly tired of. This is part of me. I have depression. Sometimes it’s worse than other times, but that doesn’t mean I’m always bad. Accept that or I won’t bother talking about it with you. 

I also worry about my last post where I talked about struggles I had the first week here at College. I wrote that I was unhappy, and didn’t have the friends I wanted. What I wrote was true at the time, but not anymore. I still have times where I feel unhappy and unwanted, but that’s no surprise. It comes with the territory of depression. Most of the time however, I feel content in my place here and the negative feelings I had towards the friends I’ve made had nothing to do with them, and was simply misplaced frustration with the fact that my mental state had been one of the things I brought with me for my fresh start here.

This past weekend, while intoxicated, I told some people I had only just met about my struggles with depression. Their reactions and their support in the following days are something that I am extremely thankful for as it showed me that maybe it will be ok to be like this.

To anyone else who is secretly struggling with any mental illness and is afraid to tell someone: I get it. Admitting to this is possibly one of the scariest things I have ever done. Until I told people at that party, I didn’t know what the conversation surrounding mental health was like here. If I lose a friend, or two, or three because of this, then I lose them. I don’t want to lose them, and I hope I don’t. I value the friendships I have, but regardless, I know opening up is the right thing to do. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I didn’t plan on publishing this piece now. Maybe in another few weeks, but I tipped my hand this weekend and it seems that if there is ever going to be a time to own up to the disease that has ruled my life for too long, right now is that time.

I’ve spent years hiding this part of myself from everyone and all it’s done has made me feel worse. If you’re struggling, I encourage you to talk to someone. You don’t have tell everyone in your life, and you certainly don’t have to make it as public as I am making this. But poking a small hole in those floodgates to let out just enough is the best step you can take to eventually being ok.

- Mr. Not Ok Jack