It’s no secret that depression has a negative impact on one’s motivation. This didn’t use to be something that worried me. I coasted through my life, allowing depression to overtake my mind and keep me trapped within my thoughts and myself. Sure this was an incredibly unhealthy thing to do, but it was also comforting. It was familiar and in a strange way it let me feel at peace with the world (sometimes). Now, however, as I have transitioned to life at university where I only knew two people before my arrival, I have tried to fight this. I have tried to make myself get up, get out and meet people. I have tried to find a group of people who I connect with and will distract me from the torments of my own mind as I continue to fight a silent battle. I have tried, and I have failed.
Everyday starts the same. I wake up, and I lie in my bed for two, three hours trying to face the day before I venture out of my room. Once I finally get out of my room, I look for people to talk to, and while I find them, while I find people who I can call my friends, I’m in pain. Somehow, as horrible as it sounds, these aren’t the friends I want. They’re lovely people, and I enjoy the time I spend with them, but when I’m with them I have a knot of anxiety in my stomach telling me that I’m somehow missing out, and that I don’t belong. That the life I’m living is less than it should be. Before too long, I return to my room and allow myself to be consumed by those all too familiar feelings. But now they’re no longer comforting. The knot of anxiety refuses to go away and I feel more alone than ever.
Over the past four years, especially the last two, I have become a different person. I’m not referring to my mental state, but rather how I interact with others. I hated who I was four years ago, and I hate who I am now. I feel as though I’ve moved from pathetic loser to just plain pathetic. I don’t know what the right version of me is, and this makes it even more difficult as I try and build on the fresh start I have here.
I usually try to write about remembering good times when you’re fighting bad ones, searching for hope and finding something to turn to, but what can you do when those are gone from your life? Right now, the only answer I have to that is to live to see another day. Each day has it’s terrible moments, but it also has it’s good ones, and each is better than the last.
-Mr. Not Ok
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