As the calendar year of 2014 and my first semester at college come to a close, I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened to me this year, especially in regards to my mental health. It’s easy for me to forget the size of the strides I’ve taken this year. I told my parents, sisters, lifelong friends, extended family and the entire Internet. I started to see a therapist, got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and took the steps to be prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I also took steps to start a conversation at my school about their mishandling of mental illness and sparked conversations that have promising potential to inspire real change. I’m not listing all of these as an excuse to pat myself on the back, however. No, instead I want to point out to all those out there struggling with a mental illness that it is ok to be open.
If I had kept everything to myself and never reached out to anyone, I don’t know where my life would be. To be completely honest, I’m not sure if I’d still be living my life at all. The fears I had about opening up were that I’d hurt my family, that I would lose friends, and that by being open I would somehow ruin my chances of a happy life in the future. I know for a fact I’m not the only person to ever have these fears, and the first two are quite logical in my opinion. However, that doesn’t mean they’re a reason to hide your true self.
Did I hurt some of my family by being open? Maybe. Some days it still feels like I cause them pain just by being sick. However, I think this has actually strengthened our relationship. I love my parents to the fullest, and that is not something I ever see changing. That doesn’t mean however that we haven’t had our disagreements, or our moments of frustration with each other. They certainly did not handle me coming out with depression to them in the best way possible, but I certainly have not let them in as much as they deserve to be let in. All three of us are still working to break down the barriers in our conversations with each other about my mental health, but even though I don’t necessarily enjoy having the conversations with them, I think it’s fantastic that we have a dialog about it. We all have a lot to learn, but where I was once afraid of hurting them, I am now thankful for being able to be open, proud of the strides have taken with each other, and hopeful of an even brighter future.
As for worrying about losing friends, this is perhaps one of the most common worries I have heard from people struggling with their mental health. It’s a very real concern too. I know people whose friends ran the other way as soon as the word “depression” escaped their lips. To those people, know I am truly sorry you have gone through that. I would not wish that on anyone. However, please remember that not everyone is like that. In my own personal experience, being open has given me an amazing best friend, strengthened the bond between myself and lifelong friends, and it has been something I have used to form strong friendships at college, and I am thankful for this every single day. Most of all, it has taught me that the people who I deserve to have in my life are the people who stay; the people who say, “How can I help?” instead of “Tell me when you’re better.”
Finally, the fear I had about losing the hope for a happy life in the future was nothing short of absurd. My experience has been the complete opposite in fact. Have there been extremely difficult days that felt like I had no chance for recovery? Absolutely. But at the end of those days, or weeks, or months, was I grateful I made it through them? Absolutely. Being open has freed me from the constraints of feeling helpless, alone and afraid every single day. Like I said, that doesn’t mean those feelings don’t pay me a visit every now and again, but I can now fight them off with the truth. The truth that being open has created more opportunities for happiness than it has shut off.
As I bring this post, this semester, and this year to a close, I want to finish by thanking each and every one of you, dear readers. Thank you for putting up with my infiltration of Riley’s blog. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to me. Thank you to all the people who, after reading my last post, took action to let me know they were there for me. This experience has meant the world to me, and I hope it will continue for much longer. Without writing for this blog, I would not have the courage to be as open as I am, and I hope that my writing has offered some sort of support, comfort or courage to at least one person. Finally, thank you to my family, my friends, my therapists, and most of all, Riley. You all continue to help me push through one of, if not the, hardest experience of my life so far, and I couldn’t ask for better people to be surrounded by. I wish happy holidays, and a happy New Year to everyone.
- Jack
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