I'm Weird

​I’d be willing to bet that every person in the world has had a time in their life where they felt like they were “weird.” As a matter of fact, I bet most people feel weird frequently. Personally, I feel weird almost every minute of every day, and up until now it’s been something that I have been ashamed of. Today however, I’m putting my foot down. I’ve decided to own up to my quirks and embrace them rather than hide them. This is going to be a hell of a lot easier said than done, but I’m going to try. 

​Most people I know look back on middle school as a low-point in their life. This is true for me as well. Throughout middle school, I was bullied relentlessly. I had garbage stuffed down the back of my shirt, I was taunted in front of my peers, and I had people shout in my face to go away because “no one liked me.” I dreaded going to school every day. Every step I took, every corner I turned, I felt like people were laughing at me behind my back. Before middle school, I was very open about what I liked. Over the course of middle school however, I learned to keep my interests to myself. To this day, if someone is talking to me or about me and brings up my interest in something, I cringe in embarrassment and shame. There is no doubt in my mind that this shame plays a role in my depression. 

Feelings of loneliness are some of the biggest and hardest parts of my depression for me to deal with and because of this shame, I feel I must isolate myself to do what I enjoy. I turn myself into a loner because even though I hate how it makes me feel, it’s the only way I feel safe. At least it used to be. Now, I don’t even feel safe from hurt when I’m alone. I actually imagine the people I know getting together and making fun of me for being alone now. It’s not healthy, and I wish I could turn it off, but I can’t. It happens every day, and I hate it.

Today I’m trying to take back my weirdness. I want to own it instead of hide it. I don’t want to be afraid to put on the music I like around my friends instead of what I know is popular. I don’t want to be afraid to bring up my favorite memories, or suggest things to do. I don’t want to avoid having conversations with friends just because wanting to talk to them makes me feel like I’m weird. I don’t want to hide. It’s not healthy, it makes me feel miserable, and until I’m comfortable being me, my mental health doesn’t stand a chance at recovery. 

Here is what makes me feel weird:

• I like Bruce Springsteen. A lot. His lyrics are often how I organize my thoughts.

• Texting first

• Talking about LGBTQ issues even though I’m straight.

• Referencing my own mental health.

• Quotes, lyrics, and ideas repeat in my head constantly, usually because I want to say them to a specific person. I never do.

• Asking people to hang out.

• Asking what people are doing.

• Talking about the TV shows I like.

• Talking about the movies I like (especially because I’m a film production major and feel haven’t seen enough classics).

• Writing this post.

• A million other things

Today, I’m going to stop telling myself that these things make me weird. They make me human.

 

- Jack