It Goes On

I am below my average functioning quota right now. I have been feeling really low for the last month or so. Within a few weeks a young friend of mine died and I watched a very triggering movie; since then I've been finding it harder and harder to come out of my shell each morning and accomplish anything. I know the movie being a trigger when placed next to something like a friend dying sounds out of place but it really did a number on me (not to mention another dear family friend passing away and my best friend leaving for 6 months). Maybe this all just happened to coincide with a dark wave or maybe it induced it; either way, it sucks.

I've been doing really well the last few months. I've been happier, more motivated, productive, social, etc. and I've been working SO freaking hard to maintain that state. You should see my dorm room, it's covered in Christmas lights, bright colours, pictures of my loved ones and motivational quotes. Every time I was feeling down, I'd cry for an hour and then get all dressed up and go out to socialize, pulling myself back together. This was no small feat. 

That might be the most frustrating part of all; I've put so much effort into getting and staying better and now I feel like I'm starting to crumble again. This time beginning to sink completely caught me off guard because I had been doing so well for a prolonged period. I used to be comfortable being depressed and letting it own me, but I finally put down my shovel and climbed out of the hole. So why am I deteriorating again?

There is a difference this time though. This time I'm a lot more of an adult and better equipped to handle this than I ever have been. I still feel awful and it is still dreadful to deal with but I know this isn't the end game. I'll admit to being genuinely disappointed in myself when I begin to cry for no obvious reason because I think I should know better (or something). I should be grown up enough to know that nothing bad is happening. I know how to cope so I should be ok...except that's not how depression works. Logic doesn't change how you feel, which is true for most emotions but this has a special control over my mindset. 

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on." 

-Robert Frost

That having been said, I do know that life goes on. I managed to bounce back marvellously prior to now; maybe I can do it again or even bounce higher this time. Right now, I just have to accept where I'm at and try to manage it as best I can. I know what I need to do in order to keep going and although it's going to suck for a bit, it gets better again.

Essentially, I feel like garbage and that's ok. It's going to pass.