One of the more terrifying moments of my life just happened. I had a young person who I am incredibly protective of and love dearly, ask me about cutting. There was half a second there where I thought she was talking about herself and my world froze. It occurred to me that I was not that far off her age when I first hurt myself and that scared me senseless. Now, it turned out that she was asking about how to deal with a friend who is hurting themselves but the fear that moment instilled in me is hard to shake off; not because I believe this person would harm herself, but because I realized she could and I may never know.
I have three younger siblings. They mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. We are all 2 years apart in age with me in first year university and the youngest wrapping up elementary school. One of my deepest fears in life is that one of my siblings, or one of the kids their age that I’ve watched grow up, develop self-harm or suicidal tendencies. Especially those who have been around for my going through dark times, I am petrified that something I did in that time span could spark something in them. I recognize that it’s possible my issues have no impact on what those young people decide to do, or that they do harm themselves due to something completely unrelated to me. I know this is a very selfish way of thinking but I would feel directly responsible.
I spent a large chunk of high school being the kid that other people worried about; the child the was taken to the ER, the student who would miss weeks of classes, the friend with bottles of hydrogen peroxide and bandaids all over my room. Friends and classmates would come to me with their issues, which often consisted of self-harm or suicidal themes but those were people my age or at least no more than 2 years my junior (and those where really challenging too). Now, as I grow up, I’m confronted with the fact that there are still kids in middle/high school…my high school…who are suffering.
I can clearly recall the first time I was confronted with someone I viewed as a sister was in a place where her health was in danger. It wrecked me entirely. Then, more recently when I found out that I almost lost one of the closest people in the world to me. I found out months later that my life could look radically different right now… and I used to do the exact same thing; inform people months or even years after the fact that something really bad was happening with me that they never saw.
The crushing weight that my parents endured with me and my darkness must have been excruciating. Previously, I had acknowledged that my parents dealt with my situation as best they could and that I was grateful for the effort they put in to get what was going on with me. However, the level of concern that must have been reeling inside when I was shutting down, isolating and lying must have been unbearable. I have new found respect for my parents and for all others who have children going through this type of darkness and do the best they can to make it ok.
I don’t know if anyone who is reading this is in a dark place right now, but if you are please hear this. Life really will get better, that’s not to say that it’ll always be easy but it’s definitely worth sticking around for. Also, most importantly, you are loved. It may not feel like it, but I promise you are.
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