Back to Basics

Over 20,000 views…that’s crazy. I didn’t even notice when it hit 20,000 because I’ve been so wrapped up in my own world. My latest internal crisis: being unhappy with what I’m doing with my life but not having any idea what else I could/should be doing. I know intellectually that I am capable and have lots I could do with my life. The challenge for me is that I don’t know what really inspires me, what I could enjoy doing forever. I’ve become so stressed out about it that the only solution I can see to it is to purchase a kitten (I’m not kidding…that’s all I’ve got).

First of all, I recognize that it’s crazy how I’m trying to sort out “forever” at 18 and that the only viable solution is to acquire a feline. But how else am I supposed to feel when the only questions I’ve been asked since at least grade 11 revolve around how I’m doing academically (which has never been awesome) or what I want to do with my life (which changes every 10 minutes)? This is the age where everyone is asking about and expecting a planned answer to what our plans are for life; however, it’s also the point where everyone says “you have all the time in the world.” I cannot begin to express my frustration with this. 

I can’t write well at the moment. I’ve been fuzzy for weeks. I am going through a bit of a dark patch right now, which unfortunately is falling at a time of much decision making. The only reason I woke up this morning at all is because of the amazing lilies I’ve parked beside my bed (compliments of my amazing mother).They smell like everything is going to be ok, delightful. I say “going through” a dark time because I know that’s what I’m doing; going through it and I will make it out the other side. However- like most people living with depression- it feels like this is it…the darkness will never end and I’m trapped. 

To be totally honest, it’s quite the piss off that intellectually I know that I’m fine, life is going to work out and that this crap will pass but not be able to emotionally accept it. I am numb and unenthusiastic about everything right now. I’m not sure how to cope with it or push through it because I thought I was doing everything right before I slipped into this. Last time I felt life getting more challenging I was lucky enough to acquire Snugs, an 8 week old kitten. Unfortunately, Snugs couldn’t stay with me and most of my other coping mechanisms are elsewhere so I’m going back to my basics. Flowers.

I guess that’s right; when in doubt go back to basics and (as irksome as it may be) start from the beginning. While this is an angering realization it is also somewhat humbling as I’m once again realize that I do not know everything and don’t have everything figured out. Back to basics it is.