Un-Christmas

Merry Un-Christmas!

With the pandemic obviously not going anywhere, the Ontario government has begun shutting down areas outside of Toronto and I can only assume it’s because everyone has left the city in order to buy their Christmas gifts; gifts that will have to be mailed because... how and where will you be seeing anyone?

I’m usually the person decorating for Christmas embarrassingly early. Normally, Christmas lasts from November through the end of February but this year I am not feeling it. In reading “A Charlie Brown Christmas” to my students, I find myself connecting with Charlie Brown more than I ever thought possible.

Between the restrictions around seeing anyone, the stores having to close which makes shopping challenging, seasonal depression and my own general sense of unrest this year I am feeling utterly unengaged with the “spirit of the season.” I’m waiting to hear back from universities for September 2021. There is nothing I can do to speed up that process and until I hear back, I’m in limbo. However, having watched my cousin go through his first year at the University of Toronto entirely online at my parents’ house, I might find that even the acceptance that I’m hoping for comes tainted. This does not help my overall feeling of defeat and exhaustion this year.

I posted a lot around the holidays of 2013- 2014. In rereading those posts, it's sweet and sickening how relatable some of it seems now. To obnoxiously quote myself from my Happy Holidays post, "There is nothing easy or simple about "just having a nice holiday" when you feel like crap. I'm not suggesting you force yourself to fake happiness; all I want you all to know is that you truly aren't alone. You and I will both make it through the holidays," this seems like a pretty good mindset in this world. I could never have guessed what the world would look like in 2020, I think this year people are more likely to feel alone than any year prior but it is still so important to remember that even though you can't see everyone who loves you, doesn't mean they aren't there. In my Thank God for 2014 post, I said that my resolution for that year was to continue to want to see 2015. The idea was that I wouldn't make resolutions about specific issues like losing weight, never self-harming again and alike, I would forgive myself if I messed up as long as I was still choosing to be here and see 2015. In June 2014, I turned 18 and cried because I never thought I'd see that birthday and did so on almost every birthday since.

Reading those posts was very helpful for me to put everything into perspective. I did see 2015. The time from December 2013-January 2015 was filled with so much love, heartache, accomplishments and failures that I didn't see coming, let alone the following 5 years. So maybe that's just what we have to hope for with all of this. Maybe in 2027, I will reread this post and reflect on how dramatically my world has changed and how grateful I am for the growth and struggle that happened in 2020. 

Anyway, those are my musings on Christmas 2020. Below is "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" because no matter how un-christmasy I feel, I can often be found belting it in my kitchen and it always makes me smile.

Sending all the virtual love and hugs this Christmas, wherever you are.