Mr. Not Ok

Dear Readers of The War Paint,

My name is- well actually, I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you my name.  You all know me as the author of I Need A Win or the subject of Dear Miss. Not Ok (although that last one is a bit of a misnomer as I am, in fact, a male.  Though I appreciated the piece nonetheless since I was shocked and touched that a total stranger cared more about me than the people in my life do).  But sharing my name on this blog will have consequences I am not quite ready to deal with, so for now you can just call me Mr. Not Ok.  

A lot has happened since I wrote I Need A Win.  I’ve told my parents and some supportive people in my life about some of my problems, and I’ve begun to see a therapist. None of these are “Wins,” though I certainly hope the former is a step in the right direction.  In fact, instead of wins, all I’ve had is more losses, all of which are still painfully engraved in my every day thoughts.  

See, the problem that comes with beginning to tell people in your life that you have depression, is that you (consciously, or unconsciously) give yourself permission to feel emotions that, in my case, have been actively suppressed every day for the last six years.  When that happens, you panic.  You grab hold of the closest thing to you, whether it is a friend or a loved one, activity, profession, or something else entirely, and you try to keep them as close to you as possible. This can only work for so long though.  Activities come to a close, professions wear you out until you can give no more, and friends and loved ones all have breaking points.  This is where you start to enter dangerous territory.  You turn whatever you have chosen to hold onto as a symbol for the triggers of your depression.  You convince yourself that if you could just fix the relationship, continue the activity or be successful in your profession, that all your problems will be solved.

I’m aware that this likely isn’t the case for everyone, but it is for me, and no matter how alone depression makes me feel, I’ve come to realize that there is always someone who has or does feel almost exactly the same way. All I can say to someone who is going through this right now is that I sincerely hope it gets better.  My social worker likes to say “angry is easier than sad,” and that is very much true here.  If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll likely be mad at whoever or whatever you are placing the blame on, but you shouldn’t.  If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that in reality, you’re just sad that things still aren’t working out.

But anyways, why am I writing this?  Why am I bothering to tell all of you what’s happened since I wrote I Need A Win? It’s because Riley has asked me to write for The War Paint this summer.  No, this doesn’t mean Riley is going away, she’ll be writing too, and this is still very much her blog.  I’m just a helping hand for the time being.  I’ll post something every couple of weeks, and I hope at least one of you will find the same value in my writing that I have found in Riley’s.

Sincerely,

Mr. Not Ok